Friday, 26 April 2019

I'm in the mirror, so freaking bitter


Shipwrecks resting in the sea. Oil floating on the water. Plants and soil overlaid with a crust of pain. No, these aren't lyrics - they're FACTS, FACT fans. Welcome to Azerbaijan - the most polluted country in the world.

Azerbaijan? Well given the Aussies are in these days the pressure is sort of off, but their presence at the contest still means that in hundreds of households around the UK, little Englanders start slurring "where", almost all of them using the map of Europe in their Thomas Cook brochure - momentarily forgetting that the UK itself is about as comfortable in Europe as Arlene Foster at G.A.Y (or, indeed, a Eurovision house party).

I’m set on hold so I needn’t be bold anymore


Just look at the absolute state of this Austrian entry from 2005. The country that brought us Joseph Haydn, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Ludwig van Beethoven, Franz Schubert and Falco decided to enter a six-piece folk group in tracksuits doing a Latin song about "a girl from Cuba" infused with yodelling.

The chorus "exhorts everyone to dance like the girl would", but the only dancing the sole woman in the group actually does is this bit where she rubs her backside up against a trombonist. Then after they failed to qualify with this aural abscess, their broadcaster pulled out of 2006 and had the brass neck to argue that "talent ... is no longer the determining factor in contest success".