Thursday, 9 May 2019

I broke the cell phone trying to call heaven

Conan Osiris

There are two sorts of Eurovision entry from Portugal. There's the jaunty sort - like this - that you might hear in a pool bar in Albufeira while you're hurling down locally produced spirits as some nineteen year old looks after your children on three days training all of which they were late for. And then there's entries like this. Pure, uncut Portuguese shit.

I've tried, but I can't get all the way through it without feeling violently ill. It's spitefully bad - the aural equivalent of having your hemorrhoids poked at with a set square whilst a drunk, racist pensioner vomits their lunch of liver and onions down your throat.

I think that's probably enough about that, so let me introduce you to Daniela from Slovenia. She's been reviewing Eurovision songs on YouTube for donkeys years now and they are brilliant. She films them in her bedroom, and at the start of each one is facing her wardrobe before turning around, smiling and introducing herself. She chats about he contest, plays the song on her stereo, then gives her views. Her utterly baffling views.

Even though I've no clue what she thinks about most of the songs, her videos are mesmerising - she's even included both a "behind the scenes" video revealing the production secrets of her series, as well as a video of her giving her 8 year old dog Simba a birthday cake. Good luck to her. She can't stand the Portuguese entry either.