Monday, 13 May 2019

Goin' wild like an animal

Luca Hänni
She Got Me

I have an entirely unjustified soft spot for the Swiss, which I think is derived from hundreds of summer mornings spent watching badly dubbed episodes of Heidi from behind the sofa. That Goat Peter. What an asshole!

It's unjustified because they are so rubbish at Eurovision that they make us look like the Swedes. We've seen it all. Vampires, Golden Showers, terrible English ("sweem against the stroom" indeed), four generations of the Salvation Army, ena stupendo and an ena stupendously annoying twiddly dee folk song performed by a smug pillock in a waistcoat. Cuckoo clocks the lot of them.

You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

This year's chunk of bland swiss cheese comes courtesy of Luca Hänni, who won 'Deutschland sucht den Superstar', Germany’s version of Pop Idol. You may not be surprised to learn that Luca "grew up in a musical family. He started learning the drums when he was five, followed by piano, guitar and singing lessons", although after finishing school he began training as a bricklayer which according to home broadcaster SSG SSR means he likes "getting stuck in with both hands".

He doesn't just do music you know. He "creates clothes for his own model label" and his own merchandising shop. You can for example pay £11.55 for a cloth to wipe your phone with after you've been drooling over pictures of Luca in his hoodies.

Despite his life in show business, Luca "remains down to earth". Spending time with family and friends means a great deal to him, and he loves nature, particularly when walking his dog Nala, a chihuahua. What can make you move? Can you feel the groove? What can make you dance? Oh, chihuahua.

What does he think about Eurovision? "Getting the chance to perform on such a huge stage in front of an audience of enthusiastic fans in the venue and millions of people at home is definitely one of the high points of my life."

See? It's this year's cuckoo clock.

Don't push my wheelchair down the hill, Goat Peter! Oh- not to worry. I can walk. It's a miracle. And now, Heidi, I'm gonna celebrate like it's 2004.