Monday, 29 April 2019

The good times aren't over yet

Denmark
Leonora
Love Is Forever

It's Denmark - home of The Killing, Borgen, one half of the Bridge, Carlsberg, Lego, the (highly underwhelming) Little Mermaid, Hans Christian Anderson, those butter cookies you get in tins, a friend in London (because everyone has a friend in London), these tasty looking Christmas Donuts (nom nom nom) and Emily. You know, Emily. Off of the forest.

I love Denmark, see. It's small, they drink (reassuringly) expensive beer, the public transport's good, they have a theme park smack bang in the middle of their capital city, tax is high (I like that) and it's the kind of place where you can be out browsing very well designed and reassuringly expensive kitchen goods when "bang!" there appears indie pop outfit Alphabeat, buying a flourescent green ladle. Although on reflection it's precisely that sort of easy living that killed the young dudes in the high boots.

So I was proper excited when the contest was held in Denmark in 2014, and what a contest that was. You know that old saying about rounding them up and putting them on a island? That is literally what the Danes did, chucking Eurovision and its 30,000 onsite fans onto a drizzly building site island complex complete with festival toilets, festival beer and a leaky press tent, busting the budget by a record amount in the process and gaining precisely 0 extra tourists as a result. Tack!

LeonoraLast year they abandoned their standard bland mid-tempo inspirational in favour of a kind of novelty Game of Thronesey Viking act - (Jonas Flodager) RASMUSSEN singing about MEN and SWORDS and SHIPS and WAR with RED HAIR and a MASSIVE BEARD. Turns out he wasn't quite the warrior he was making out - he was actually the lead singer and frontman of Danish 80s covers band Hair Metal Heröes and in the week works as a school teacher in Viborg- a sort of Danish Dewey Finn who torrents GOT and put some silly words to a bit of trailer music he found on the internet.

I'm talking a lot about last year because this year's entry is fuckaclysmically awful. In a national final of abject, offensive mediocrity (although not as mediocre as the year they found Whigfield in a skip) the Danes managed to find the one song that sounds like a huge Danish crown being scraped down a massive pane of Danish glass. It's vile, and even the opening three seconds goes "plink, plonk" which just reminds me of Jimmy Saville going "clunk, click, every trip".

It says here (I've not got this far without hitting skip, or a child) that she "effortlessly sings 4 languages in the 3 minute duration of the song" - English, French, Danish, and German. The use of multiple languages apparantly "emphasizes the song's message that love is for everyone and forever" (as long as you're from Western Europe), and so my message for you Leonora is Va te faire foutre, Verpiss dich. Tack!