Saturday, 27 April 2019

No one will cry if it’s true

Belgium
Eliot
Wake Up

It's a recurring nightmare. Charleroi 2020. Jean Claude Van Damme is hosting with a script in rhyming triplets. The venue puts mayo in the beer. Every song is a ballad. Technotronic do "Pump up the Jam" in the interval act dressed as that statute of the boy taking a piss whilst three English fans sing along with the words to "Pump up the Bitter" (brew it brew it) instead. It's worse than that year Ireland held it in a cowshed. It's Belgium. The Aldershot of Europe.
In 2009 Belgium entered an Elvis Presley impersonator that claimed that he invented being Elvis Presley before Elvis Presley and that Elvis Presley was stealing his soul even though he’s dead. With a Jive Bunny video. In 2010 we got a kind of low rent Marc Cohn doing a low rent Walking in Memphis, 2011 saw Belgium entering some smug acapella beatbox with sideburns, in 2012 they sent a warbling child wittering on about burglary, and in 2013 they sent a man to sing a song called "Love Kills" in strong Belgian accent, resulting in the whole of Europe having to sit through Roberta Bellarosa singing "Love keels, over and over", over and over again.


EliotIn 2014 they sent a preposterous Paul Potts lookalike Axel Hirsoux pining about his mommy (like if Norman Bates had eaten all the pies, entered Belgium's Got Talent and bought a bow tie), in 2015 they took Adam "Ricketts" Rickett's "I breathe again", slowed it down, had it covered by Lorde and robbed it of any melody, in 2016 we got eleven year old Laura "Tesco" Tesoro, doing a Tesco Value version of Fleur's Sax, itself a Tesco Value version of Uptown Funk, in 2017 a terrified woman called Blanche had a three minute panic attack in an inappropriate octave all alone in the danger zone, and then last year a woman called Sennek rhymed station, combination, imagination, and sensations - the sort of thing you don't want to hear being played in the lobby of a hotel you can't afford, like an Emeli Sandé album track only with all the life sucked out of it and spat into an empty jar of picked onions that have been sat at the back of the cupboard for three years.

So what sweet shovel of shite have the Belgians hurled up for us this year? Eliot Vassamillet - an 18-year-old high school student (who's previously appeared on Belgium's answer to The Voice) who, riding on the coat tails of extinction rebellion, says his dismal song is a "call to youth to improve the state of the world and mobilize for peace. The world is sleeping but must wake up. This awakening must be collective but it needs a momentum, a trigger". Maybe "Wake up" will be that trigger, but I suspect it's more likely that "Wake up" will be a "trigger" to pop to the toilet and take a long streak of piss. Anyone want anything from the fridge?