Tuesday, 30 April 2019

I've hit highs and I've hit lows

Estonia
Victor Crone
Storm

My favourite Estonian entry was their 2003 time travel smash "Eighties Coming Back" by Ruffus. Watch that video and suddenly you're there - not in the 80's, but in your living room in 2003 knocking back supermarket gin and own brand frazzles with people round that you've since blocked on twitter. In that clip they've even capped Wogan sounding a bit pissed blithering on about accordions and incorrectly predicting that "Baltic block voting" would work in Estonia's favour. The daft racist- it came 21st.

There was a time when they'd enter "five girls in the playground pretending to be the Spice Girls" dross like this, but these days Estonia have an upsetting selection process that every year takes a ton of interesting and unusual indie stuff and slowly knocks out all the quirks until you're left with something pointlessly bland and generic. Back in 2013 for example they could have sent unpleasant multicoloured unitard punk band "Winny Pugh", but instead opted for this toilet break ballad that can't even be bothered to deliver the key change it builds up for. What an absolute bunch of clowns.

Victor CroneIt's therefore difficult to underestimate quite how dull Victor Crone's 2019 entry is. I mean for god's sake. Fascinating facts in the press release include "Storm was created during one of Victor's visits to Estonia" (was it raining Victor?) "the verses came first, then the chorus" (wow) and "Victor feels his song Storm should be open to the interpretation of the listener, but describes it as a song about weathering hard times – and knowing that they will eventually come to an end". I do hope so.

The song is absolute-by-the-numbers 2013 era Avicii EDM, and Victor is a big posh sod with plums in his mouth, and the plums have mutated and they have got beaks. He makes pigs smoke. He feeds beef burgers to swans. He has big sheds, but nobody's allowed in.

And in these sheds he has 20ft high chickens, and these chickens are scared because the don't know why they're so big, and they're going, 'Oh why am I so massive?' and they're looking down at all the little chickens and they think they're in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small. Does he deny that? No, and I think his silence speaks volumes.

The Estonians, fact fans, invented Kiiking, which is considered a "sport" there. It involves fastening yourself to an enormous standing steel swing (kiik means swing in Estonian) which has a full 360 degrees of rotation to it. To swing a kiiker a contestant must "pump by squatting and standing up on the swing", and the swing gains momentum taking the person in full circle by his skillful "pumping". Sadly, Victor is from Sweden.