Amaia y Alfred
Ugh. Where are we now? Spain? Oh, I'd almost forgotten about Spain- until I woke from a nap, picturing a couple of hundred bright pink English skinheads throwing garden furniture into a hotel swimming pool whilst "Thomson" the dog moonwalks to "Chocolate" by Soul Control, resulting in a group of under fives dancing enthusiastically to lyrics like to "All The Girls Want Candy Candy, All The Boys Get Randy Randy" whilst their parents get shitfaced on "locally produced" spirits.
Spain are one of the "big five", the same club that us, Germany, Italy and France are in- where arrogance and laziness means our big EBU affiliation fee buys us automatically into the final, an injustice underlined in particular by Spain's low rent DJ Daz tribute act "Chiki Chiki" in 2008, which would have been odds on to come last in its semi had it have been in a semi.
This lack of need to put any effort in is embodied to perfection by this year's entrants, love dup couple Amaia and Alfred doing a gleeish disneyballad that's so insufferably sweet as to induce Type 2 Diabetes before the middle eight.
They seem to be going for the Salvadorable vote, but whereas Portugal's entry last year was magical, this makes you want to close hospices for the sake of it and drink gravel. In an alternative universe Latvia would have translated their second place 2011 Banjo Laura song into Spanish and let Spain enter it instead. Click here and you can but dream.