Wednesday, 2 May 2018

Everybody’s got a couple scarred up knuckles

The Netherlands
Outlaw In 'Em

On Line, on digital and on 88 to 91 FM, here we are then in permanently middle of the road Netherlands- a country so dull that the closest they've come to entertainment in the last ten years was when they entered Howard Stableford off of Tomorrow's world, former MP Bill Rammell and television's MacGyver in silver space suits, dancing like someone's embarrassing dad at a wedding to literally the worst piece of music ever entered into any song competition ever. Click here if you don't believe me.

WaylonDo you remember Wilson Phillips? You know, off of hen night karaoke classic Hold on? You do, you must do. Three sisters. Close harmonies. Rom coms. Imagine what their album sounded like. Probably like "Hold On" but without the singalong chorus and the hooks, right? It also probably sounds pretty dated now, right? Well last year's Dutch entry was effectively track eleven from the 1990 debut album, "Wilson Phillips". And it was shit.

To be fair given my age and popmaster and the fact that it's the children who are wrong, I have been listening quite a bit to Radio 2 recently and on their A List this year has been this jaunty pop country song from "The Shires", so when it was announced that The Netherlands were sending a country song I got all excited. Then I heard it.

Imagine. You’re at the bar, sipping on a cold one and that one girl walks in. You catch a glimpse, but someone (the big overly jealous boyfriend) has a problem with how you just gawked at their fine woman. Suddenly, there’s a thrown cue ball, he breaks a pool stick over his knee and before you know it, he has a half broken beer bottle in his hand. You’ve suddenly realised, “Oh S@!%, I’m screwed! I wish Johnny Cash was here! Or Garth Brooks! Or Willie Nelson! Or the Woolpackers!" Or, failing that, a man called William from a village just outside Amsterdam pretending to be American.

It says here that the song "is an ode to Waylon's own authenticity, as well as to his many heroes who dared to be different", but a Dutch man doing a two chord cliched country song is hardly authentic and it's about as original as most of the content of this blog this year.  Basically Holland, you have laid a, big, fat egg of solid fuck. You have taken your Eurovision reputation and you ate it with a lump of E. coli. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300mph.