Saturday, 5 May 2018

Bullied from the moment we were born

Image result for san marino eurovision heartSan Marino
Jessika feat. Jenifer Brening 
Who We Are

Bless. The entire population of San Marino- Eurovision smallest participant- could fit inside the Altice arena in Lisbon and still leave room for the custard tart stalls. They first entered back in 2008 in Serbia with a man that looked suspiciously like 80's illusionist David Copperfield- but it came last with 5 points in the Tuesday night semi. Apparently I was there, but I suspect on listening to it back that at the time I was trying to find a drink, the toilet or my will to live.

I mean it must be pretty tricky to find talent when your population is less than a tenth of Swindon's but even taking that into account, since that 2008 debut San Marino have entered some stinkers- most notably the year they tried to enter a song about Facebook but were made by the EBU to remove the word Facebook from the chorus, leaving the panicked San Marinese delegation to instruct 39 year old Valentina Moretta to just sing "Hello, oh oh oh" instead. If you wanna come to my house, click me with your mouse.

Image result for san marino jessikaBut as stinkers go, this year's San Marino effort is a dynorod beating megaturd of a song even for them- easily the best worst song this year and possibly the best worst Eurovision song of all time. It was chosen by a baffling process run by San Marinese broadcaster SMTV (not :Live) that, as I remember, consisted of an online entry process, various songs written by one of the judges (the 2006 Austrian artist Zoe), some sort of plan to do voting by paying a Euro via paypal, a crowdfunding system where you invested in songs by giving money to Zoe’s dad, a national final held in Bratislava, the worst song in that final being picked and then one of the losers being added to the forgettable song as a white girl rapper who- no shit- raps the following lyrics:

Ah, listen up, listen up, it’s me Jenny B.
What you get is what you see.
And that’s for Jess over here
She’s a special VIP
So you better listen carefully

If they dissin’ you on Twitter
Don’t get sad, don’t be bitter,
Don’t give up or be a quitter
Show them you’re better (Yeah, hell no)

If they say so, get in the car
Rev it up, and be it a star
‘Cause you know exactly
Who we are, give it to ‘em Jess

Jessika turns out to be Jessika Muscat, who has appeared in the Maltese final seven terrible times to no avail, and as well as the rapper she's joined on stage by some dancing robots holding up signs that say things like "Will you marry me?".

Even the key change makes me heave.