Sunday, 6 May 2018

A zillion people have already said that there's too many

Slovenia
Lea Sirk
Hvala, ne!

I used to have a bit of a soft spot for the Slovenians, if for no other reason than because whilst we thought we were being all "ironic" with that Scooch abomination , they'd done it all before in 2002. Would you like something to suck on for landing, sir?

There is another reason. It's an amazing country. Its people are friendly, its restaurants are cheap, its caves are dramatic, its climate is lovely and its the safest I've felt at night in any European country ever. We went there on holiday the other year and we loved it. Sure, it's a Poundland Italy, but stop being such a snob about Poundland. I saw you, scoffing that box of Pergale chocolates.

They're also pretty funny. For example, the other year their National Final interval act spent three brave minutes ripping the piss out of one Vladimir Putin, with lyrics like "when I play chess be quiet or eat my pussy riot", and "If you are a prick - suck my Moby Dick".

So I can't really forgive them this year. They've gone for a kind of tuneless techno track with some hip hop- but all without a discernable melody, and unforgivably to inject some interest in the song on the night they're doing a pretend stop to the song, where Lea looks up and says "music please, okay can you help me out?". Yes Lea- cut this bit from the performance. That would help.

"I'm funny, weird, and I like being different so that the feelings are good" she says, bafflingly. "Vocally I made the song so I can easily perform it at three o'clock in the morning". Sadly that'll be on your own on Friday 11th May in the Lisbon Novotel.