Wednesday, 25 April 2018

We were three kids and a loving mum

Michael Schulte
You Let Me Walk Alone

Now now. You might be sat alone at your PC at work at half nine at night, drinking gin from the students' union shop and wallowing in self hatred at memories of recent UK entrants, but even Humperdoink, Blue, Josh Dubovnie, Scooch, Gemini, DJ Daz and that bin man off the X Factor haven't done as badly in the past decade as the Germans.

Apart from that year when Lena sung about wearing new underwear (they're blue- I wore them just the other day), they have done really really fucking badly. Of course, they (like us) are one of the "Big Six" and thus help bankroll the whole thing, so have tended not to care given they (like us) get an automatic ticket to the final (in case you've not noticed there are two semi finals on during the week leading up covered on BBC3, which is why you get three hours in on the Saturday and STILL haven't seen your sweepstake pick).

Michael SchulteWe sanctimoniously tend to toss blame about- Brexit, Blair, Brown, Cameron, Iraq, political voting, the NHS, the immigrants, the weather, STATINS, the Royal Family, the parents etc or we just xenophobically project idiocy onto foreigners for our scores, but the Germans know all too well that if you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got. Doesn't stop them though.

A few years back they almost entered Andreas K├╝mmert (a man who looked like he'd spent a lot of time on his own sofa watching Game of Thrones with his hand down his tracksuit bottoms) until he realised he'd actually won a Song For Germany and panicked, gave the second place finisher a hug, and wandered off the stage, spending the rest of the night abusing his fans on twitter. Unsurprisingly runner up and eventual Eurovision entrant Ann Sophie then promptly went to Vienna and came last.

The year after was no better. German broadcaster NDR thought they'd solved all their problems by internally selecting a man called Xavier Naidoo but promptly found that in doing they'd stirred up what the Germans evidently call a 'shitstorm'- Naidoo had previously been the star guest at a far right rally, had a back catalougue featuring songs about violence against children, was a 9/11 conspiracy theorist, and had song after song containing homophobic imagery and hidden references to Hitler. Not a good look in the year the contest was themed "Come Together". So they swapped him out for a 17 year old manga enthusiast doing a song that had all the appeal of being stared at by a man on a facing seat near the back of a bus in the rain in November on the outskirts of Solihull.

And last year. Oh my days. They sent a baffled looking woman called "Levina" singing a diet lilt version of Titanium singing about her "Perfect Life". Perfect, that is, if you are thrilled at getting three derisory points from the Swiss, three from the Irish and nothing else. Songwriter Lindy Robbins had in the past written songs for "Anastacia, the Backstreet Boys, Faith Hill, Shaggy, Jason Derulo, David Guetta, Olly Murs, and Demi Lovato", and when asked for her formula explained “I try to write with my heart, not my head”- although in this case she appeared to have written the song with her arse.

In comparison to that omnishambles of shite, this year they've not done badly at all- some talented curly haired bloke off of Germany's The Voice with a ballad that the press release shamelessly says is "catchy and yet deeply emotional", as if those two concepts are mutually exclusive. Do these people not remember the year 2000? There were certainly tears in Watford.