We got love
Do you remember that time when Susan off of Neighbours started to believe that she was 16 years old again and she accidentally wandered into a '70s party and then when her memories started coming back one of the first ones was of her husband Karl snogging his secretary?
Or that time when Toadfish got married to Dee and then he took her for a drive and he lost control of their car and drove off a cliff into the sea and he was fine but her body was never found and then he got married again and a gas bottle exploded during the reception and the marquee got destroyed and his bride Sonya ended up with a fractured skull and no memory of the wedding?
Or that time when Pinkie Tuscadero crashed Fonzie's bike and I lost all my money to those card sharps and my dad Tom Bosley had to win it all back? Oh hold on. That was Happy Days. So to speak.
Anyway, to Austri... hold on! Fair go, mate! Fair suck of the sauce bottle! Throw a shrimp on the barbie, ya Ripsnorter! Stone the flamin' crows y' great galah! The EBU have only gone and let Austraaaaalia in again. Strike. Me. Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink!
Yes, it may be over 10,000 miles from the EBU's Geneva bunker, but having been kind enough to temporarily let the Aussies in on a Brexit Barista Euro Visa, Jon Ola Sand has now given in to twenty years of lobbying to let the antipdeaons compete every year. Strewth!
Cue an annual ritual of hardcore Eurovision fans sinking to their knees and praying for a Minogue. Weeks of speculation ensue, but in the end this year their prayers were not answered with a Dannii, or a Kylie, or even a Goodrem or Cilmi- what they got was runner up of Australian Idol 2006 "Jessica Mauboy", revealed in a HILARIOUS "Myf and Joel" (who presumbaly present today's better music mix on Melboourne's biggest breakfast) promo clip to an underwhelmed Europe, provoking a cry of "who?" from the majority of fans.
Short memories that lot! Cus Mauboy's the Ridgey-didge! Back in 2014 before the EBU had let them in proper, Jessica was allowed into that big converted shipyard in Copenhagen on an island (put the Eurovision fans on an Island, they said) to do the interval act, and it was FAIIIIIIIIR DINKUM MATE, a mid-tempo empowerment belter loaded up with Eurovision values called "Sea of Flags" coupled with a self-deprecating skit about Kangaroos and stuff.
"While she is originally from a poor part of Darwin, her mother has roots in two Indigenous tribes, the Wakaman and the KuKu Yalanji, who lived around the cape of Far North Queensland, and Jessica's father is from Timor", atones the press profile. "She attended school but always dreamed of music and dropped out of her secondary school when she was 11".
At this point you expect school bullies, abject poverty and a dead parent, but all we get is "she participated in the road to Tamworth competition in 2014"- easily the most piss poor X Factor sob story since whiny, ranty, chip on shoulder whiteboy poor imitation of Professor Green’s poor imitation of Eminem’s poor imitation of actual rappers homophobe James Arthur confused staying on a friend’s sofa one night for homelessness.
Jessica is at least talented and the song is ace- it's another mid tempo inclusivity/empowerment belter with a hooky melody and a soary bit that you can imagine the fire curtain being triggered for. As for the Saturday night final my head says it'll come 4th- and given the lack of competition in Semi 2, the cash that SBS will throw at the staging, the running order draw and, you know, it's AUSTRAAAAALIA you great dingo, this immediate slice of stadiumpop is in with a genuine shot.
"I remember I watched Eurovision as a little girl and I thought that is where I want to be" she says, which is probably the nicest thing anyone's said about Istanbul hosting Eurovision since Wogan described it as "a whole city of bellybuttons and handclapping".
The rules say that if they win the contest, next year could go anywhere in Europe, but given our close ties through sharing Neighbours, Home and Away, the Queen and Mel B judging their X Factor, they're bound to bring it home to Harrogate. And if that's not a reason not to vote for it, I don't know what is.