Sunday, 22 April 2018

By the way she moved got me making a puddle

Czech Republic
Mikolas Josef
Lie To Me

There are some countries that really try. They have big national finals and they send talented X Factor rejects and hire big name songwriters and blow half their GDP on staging and go to all the preview parties and film a lovely touristy postcard. And then there's Czechia.

This year is the seventh year they've enteblack without the Slovaks, and every year has been kick in the teeth rubbish. Take their debut in 2007 when they got three blokes from Kwik Fit to growl their way through three chords. This (lack of) effort earned them precisely one point in the first semi, from Estonia. Things didn't get much better in 2008 when they entered remarkably overproduced "something for the dads" act Tereza Kerndlovรก, whose astoundingly flat vocals were tempered only by the inclusion of a winged DJ begging us to "Have some fun". We didn't, and they scraped 1 point from Turkey and Malta, 2 points from Croatia and 5 points from Macedonia in their dismal semi.

Undeterred, in 2009 they entered the Czech Republic's answer to Goldie Lookin' Chain. The video featured Tim Westwood in a luminous unitard, flanked by an Amy Winehouse lookalike artist and a handful of men who looked like waiters at a novelty tourist restaurant, and on the night the Czechs unsurprisingly managed to receive nul points from the 20 countries voting in that semi-final, becoming the 16th entry to achieve this result since the current voting method was introduced in 1975.

So after 2015's beefy man and bosomy woman waltz, 2016's Game of Thrones trailer music ballad, and last year's wildly dull Jazz number we get fashion model and Eminem wannabe Mikolas Josef with a brassy, staccato hymn to the travails of modern dating. 

"Oh, oh she a good girl at home but her skirt goes up like Marilyn Monroe's" says the insecure little prick. "I know you 'bop-whop-a-lu bop' on his wood bamboo when you were still seeing me and well he didn't even knew hmm", says the snivelling, slutshaming arsehole. "But steady plenty motherfuckers wanna eat my spaghetti". I don't get that bit. "Quit sweet talking me now baby I don't give a fuck, you should've thought about me before you fucked him at the club". Christ.

He's that sort of smart, cheeky chappy that would go down well with your mum (having gone down on your sister), and whilst most of Europe won't be performing a detailed, gender-politics conscious textual analysis on his lyrics on the night, I suspect this nasty little sex offender's general sleaze will ooze out into living rooms anyway and televoters will react accordingly.

Guess what, fact fans! The Czech Republic has the highest castle-density in the world! There are 2,000 to Czech out! And funnily enough, "Czech out" is also what Mikolas will be doing from his hotel the morning after his semi.